You are in for some verbal spewing here. Consider yourself warned. This post is all about ME.
I feel like this a lot lately:
But other times I feel like this:
Often I feel like both.
I've been told on many occasions that I have a distinctive and contagious laugh. It's a ridiculous sound that I've made since I was a little girl. I am a stellar audience member. I also happen to be funny and making people laugh is my other favorite thing. Top of that list is my husband. My greatest joy in life is making him laugh. And I am so lucky that he makes me laugh harder than anyone I've ever known. He is a saint by the way for dealing with my crazy ass. But some would say the same is true with me of him. Works out well.
But I digress.
Here's my take on what it's been like going off Zoloft after 10 years.
Well the first 9 years I was on Paxil,
Then my doctor switched me to Zoloft
Saying it would be better for me to get pregnant on without any risk of birth defects. Guess what?
I AM DONE WITH ALL THAT BULLSHIT.*
It has been a process of weening down for a few months, and I've been off it completely for 3 weeks now. And I'm laughing really hard or crying. ALL THE TIME. For no reason. It's kind of entertaining.
It's not that bad. Actually it's pretty damn nice. It's freeing to be a complete disaster. I go from being fine to having to sit in the shower and sob because of a Rascal Flatts song on the radio. Or my husband saying something completely innocent and I take it the wrong way. But it is passing. Last night at the Cubs game I started crying because I was saying I could marry Reed Johnson and Chris said, "well then I get his wife". And this made me cry. JESUS.
But all in all, it's really good. Here's why. I am cutting back on smokes. Gone from 10 a day to 5 a day and sometimes 4 or 3. Goal is to be done completely. Also, exercising and eating better. DUH, it feels good (to be a gangsta). I'm eating only real, healthy food. No cheating on any dairy any longer. Strict vegan diet. And really feeling a lot better.
I am sobbing in every AA meeting I go to now, which after being around for almost 10 years, is a little fucked up, but it's good. I never let people in. To show vulnerability and show that even after being sober this long, we have to keep evolving and trying to change and grow is a good thing. I figure I've listened to enough sobbing and nonsense in those rooms that they can listen to me for a little bit. I don't always have to have my shit together, right?
The reason I'm sobbing is because I love all those crazy fuckers (including me) so very much. And I am so very grateful. I was terrified of going off these drugs for a long time after getting sober for fear I would lose my shit and drink. I no longer have that fear. I can use the tools I have at my disposal at all times to get through this. And to quit smoking. It's such a gift! (barf).
Do you think I'm crying as I type this? I am not a sentimental person. As a rule I don't cry very often. I have feelings now. I've had feelings since I got sober and it's been messy sometimes. But this is a whole new level. And I'm ok with it. I have the support system to handle it. Judge my crazy ass if you must, but I am getting better. Are you?
I sobbed during Harry Potter last weekend.
Here's the bottom line. I am sober. I am working a program - sometimes better than other times. I don't feel that ache or pain that made me drink. I don't feel the anxiety that made me drink. I even feel like smoking has run it's course for me. This 10 year sobrieity anniversary coming up in October is big. I will be sober 10 years, I will have been smoking for 10 years, I will have been on some antidepressant for 10 years. I am healthier than I've ever been. In mind and getting to be in body. I can ask for help and get it. This too shall pass and I don't want to miss a minute of any of it. Sorry to be so corny, but it's all true. Sobriety is hard. But it is so much better than the alternative.
I post and talk about all this stuff because it helps me and hopefully helps you. We don't have to hide who we are. We all have more in common than we think. It's taken me a long time to learn all this.
From where I stand looking out, life is fucking amazing.
*Disclaimer - I fully believe that these drugs really help people when used in the right way. They really helped me for a long time. I just needed to move on and try life without them. Please don't think I'm saying that people shouldn't be on these drugs when used correctly.
