That Drowning Feeling

That overwhelming feeling of too much to do and too much to pay for and too much for your body to endure.  Work is overwhelming.  Trying to have a baby is overwhelming.  That drowning feeling.  That feeling of being SO GODDAMN SOBER.  I don't want to drink.  But being this sober, all the god damn time is a bit much. That release and feeling like nothing mattered at all, that is what I crave for about 5 seconds.

A nice Irish Whiskey sounds so lovely.  And then, I remember.  I play the tape out.  I know that one drink for me leads to a cheap gallon of vodka.  And losing control.  And losing EVERYTHING.  My home, my husband, my job, my cats, most of all my self respect.  And I lose it all QUICKLY.  I cannot afford this luxurious thinking that I can have a nice Irish Whiskey.  I can have the thought, but I have to play it all out.  I've learned this.  I do it all the time.  And it works. 

I am grateful I am sober.  More grateful for that one fact than anything else in my life.  Without sobriety, I have no life.  I would be dead or worse.  Hospitals, Institutions or Death.  Death would be easy.  The other two are hell on earth.  I've been there.  Jails and looney bins.  No place for a nice girl like me.  And yet, there I was time and time again. 

So yes, I am so grateful.  But there are some days when it seems overwhelming to just live life on life's terms.  I can't figure out the answers.  I don't know the questions.  I cannot do every single thing I want and need to do immediately and perfectly.  These are High Class Problems.  These are not the problems of a blackout drunk who doesn't know how she wound up in jail, in detox, in the psych award, yet again. 

This is the good life.  I am reminding myself as much as anyone reading this.  Life is so good when I have a choice.  Before I got sober, I had no choice.  I had to drink.  I had to maintain.  I had to self medicate.  Now, I get to live.  I get to choose what I want.  That doesn't mean I always get what I want.  In fact, it's about 50/50.  But I have some say in how I handle the outcome. 

When I feel this way now, I go to a meeting.  I talk to other Alcoholics.  I talk to my husband.  I talk to my family. I do my own version of praying to a Higher Power for wisdom and patience and guidance.  Above all, I reach out and help someone else.  That is the key.  HELPING SOMEONE ELSE.  And, simple as those things seem, they work.  Over and over and over.  They work.