It's Not Me, It's the Hormones

Well Well Well.  We have arrived at the point in which I can confidently say, we are doing IN VITRO FERTILIZATION.  Cue DUN DUN DUN sound here.

KATY SMASH.

Now, I am on week two of the birth control pills and I have a rash that is causing me to break out into scratching spasms at all times, day and night.  Mostly out of a dead sleep and my poor husband.  MY POOR DEAR HUSBAND.  Who will help me administer my first actual shot tonight. 

This is how I think I look most of the time:

When in all reality, THIS is what I look like at all times lately.



This is what trying to scratch everywhere on your body looks like when you try to do it using only your mind. 
Tip - IT DOES NOT WORK. 



I have bruises all over my body from the scratching.  I have tried everything so please you really don't need to write or comment to tell me what I need to do. 

IN FACT, can we all just agree that if your first response to this post is to write me to tell me anything about what I SHOULD OR SHOULD NOT BE DOING OR FEELING is probably one that you should keep to yourself.  I know, your aunt Minny or cousin Betty got pregnant when they just relaxed or when they adopted or all that.  Please.  I've heard enough of these stories to last a lifetime.  I know you mean well, or at least I'm hoping you mean well, but please respect our process and don't ask questions or tell me how I should be doing things.  Don't try to tell me how to do this or try to fix me.  In short, mind your own damn business.  Please respect our privacy. I put out as much here as I'm willing to put out for you.  That's it. 

I am someone who is no stranger to mental health facilities. I have spent time as a patient on psych wards. This hormone shit is fucking with me. It's fucking with my sanity. So, I am trying to get to more meetings. I am talking to people who have gone through this and when they say, "that's normal", I believe them.  I am not making a lot of plans right now.  Because chances are, I will break them.  I can barely get my ass out the door to work right now most days.  I am a crazy hormonal monster. My only saving grace is people telling me I don't "look" crazy. Jesus.  I put in the effort to look nice lately as that makes me feel a bit normal. 

 However, I take all this mental health shit very seriously.  Because my sobriety hinges on it. So, this is my gig in my head lately, "I feel like crap, I feel like crap, I suck, everything sucks, I have no motivation to do anything, I am just going to screw everything up anyway so what's the point, I am not healthy, I am spiraling into a pit of despair, cry cry cry, oh my that's pretty funny because you know what?  everything is actually really fucking great.  I am sober, I have a great husband and a great life and this shit that I'm feeling is just these stupid hormones that are going through my body that are new and different and I am still Katy and I am just fine.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH be mean to my husband and people around me and maybe smash things with my mind and the daggers in my eyeballs, but wait, calm down, everything ok.  EVERYTHING IS OK.  EVERYTHING IS OK". 

Rinse, repeat repeat repeat.

I keep going back to, this is not me, this is the hormones fucking with me.  I am Katy.  I am calm and serene and everything is just fine. Well, yesterday at Easter I actually told people in my family how I am.  And after the look of shock wore off their faces, they were nothing but loving.  I realized how I am usually the one who listens more than expresses how I am feeling, but right now, no holds barred.  I need to get through this shit.  And I need people to hear me and just listen to me and my crazy. 

This little ditty is with me today because I believe I can be crazed and still have my dignity and laughter at the same time.  And strength, well, I know I have that.  Fear?  Of course I have fear.  We all do.  But that doesn't mean we can't walk through it with grace and dignity.  Maybe a bit clumsily with a few trips along the way, but still, dignity.  Always dignity. 

I have quit drinking. I have quit smoking. I have quit anxiety medication. I have quit a lot of things. I have learned to eat well and be healthy. To eat REAL FOOD. I have learned to honor my body and my spirit, finally. But even now, my first instinct is usually something self destructive. I play that through and make a good choice MOST of the time today. FEELINGS ARE NOT FACTS. The facts are that I have everything I need today. And man, does that feel good.

My husband and I are good.  We are great and we have great support from family and friends and good medical people working with us.  We are lucky.  We are incredibly lucky that we even get to try this.  So, in my own way, making fun of myself and what a horrible monster I am by making jokes and doing funny postings is how I deal.  If I am laughing, I am not crying and THAT my friends are where my emotions are today.   Laughing or crying.  Not much in between.  So yeah, I am a terrible fucking emotional monster right now. Who is itching like a crazy person.  Who is driving her poor sweet husband crazy.  We want a baby.  We are trying this first.  Welcome to our journey.  You are with us or you are against us.  Hop off now, if you are against us please.  There are better places for you than with me. 

The rest of you, get ready.  This is going to be an excellent ride.  Now, come over here and scratch my back.