Today I get that. Completely. When I was drinking, I never had a choice. I HAD TO DRINK. My entire life consisted of how to get booze, how to drink the booze, how to act like I hadn't drunk the booze, then, MORE MORE MORE. It never ever stopped. To say that was a vicious cycle is kind. It was obsessive and more important than anything or anyone.
When I finally put the plug in the jug, I became a human being. I gained an immediate power in that I had some miniscule kind of control of my decisions, my choices. I cannot stress enough how I was not even human. I was this thing that had no feeling except how to drink and how to get the next drink. Blackout-drink-blackout-drink. That was my "life", if you can call it that. The first choice is always, "am I going to drink?" Once that is decided then the multitude of choices that normal people make every single day get to be decided.
Once I chose to NOT DRINK that day, I had a tiny bit of say in what else I could do that day. The possibilities suddenly go from NOTHING but the prison of using to ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING. Even if you are in jail as I was, or in rehab or a psych ward or a halfway house - I was in all of them in early sobriety - the internal prison is way worse.
You can choose to have a real life from the inside out. Things usually get worse before they get better upon sobriety. Consequences can last for years. And the best part is I choose to deal with them today. Being sued? Being broke? Getting divorced? Being jobless for a long time with no insurance, I can deal with that. As long as I don't choose to drink today, I HAVE A CHOICE.
And that, is a beautiful thing. As long as I don't choose to be an asshole and do the next right thing, my life keeps getting better and better. From the inside out. The external is matching the internal. But nothing pretty outside matters if the inside is rotten.
The Thing I Love This Thursday is choice. For that, I alone am responsible. And I gladly and gratefully accept the responsibility, for it all means that I started out with the choice not to drink today.
Choices...I must say this is by far my favorite post on TILT. It is not something you can buy but it is the greatest gift we can give ourselves. I have been sober for 2 years on May 10th and I love that I have the choice...I know that with one sip, they cease to exist. :)
ReplyDeleteBeautiful post Katy. I love your passion and I admire your courage so much, for telling your story. You are such a special lady, who inspires countless people I'm sure. This is what you truly born to do I think. Spread messages of hope and recovery and to keep us all in check with your brand of Happiness Enforcement.
ReplyDeleteI adore you. You know that, right? You never fail to make me smile. <3
ReplyDeleteLove it - if you're rotten on the inside..nothing pretty outside matters...you are so special! xo
ReplyDeleteI just realize, things I love Thursday is I love that Katy made that choice. Cuz, guess what? If you hadn't, you wouldn't be here for us. So we all thank you for taking each day one day at a time. Thank you!!!
ReplyDeleteLove you. And that's my choice. xoxoxO!!!
ReplyDeletethe last year or more of my drinking 'career' i had no choice... i HAD to drink to be able to function... until i checked myself into rehab (with a blood alcohol level of .24 at 8 in the morning at their front desk) i had long before stopped wanting to drink... i wanted sobriety, i just had no idea how to go about getting it... my thing i love this thursday is you bold honesty... it helps keep me honest, especially to myself, to read your thoughts and ideas... thank you for that... today and every day...
ReplyDeleteGreat post...wish I could pass this on to my clients in recovery!
ReplyDeleteAnne
www.allaboutelizabeth-anne.blogspot.com
A wonderful TILT, my darling. :)
ReplyDeleteI found your blog by following a link on another blog...and I am so glad I did.
ReplyDeleteI am the wife of a man 2yrs sober last month. The first yr was so hard, I really didn't think we would make it. I knew he would be able to stay sober but I didn't think our relationship would survive. I can honestly say that when I read your posts it gives me a perspective on his struggle. What he deals with and can't talk to me about. It helps. Now we are happy...finally...it's taken years to say that. I am happily married to my best friend. It took some time but we finally have come out the other side.
You, my friend, need to keep sharing. Keep blogging. Your one of the lucky ones...people need to hear what you have to say. I know I did/do.
Thank you for sharing with us.
Thanks for this. It's what I need to hear right now. I found you on FB somehow (through Tripping While Standing Still...and no idea how I found HER!), and I'm glad I did. Am working on getting from here to there. :) I'm not open about it on my main blog (yet...or will I ever be?).
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