People know about Postpartum Depression these days as many women experience this and it's more talked about. But this damn pre-natal pregnancy depression kicked me in the vagina and the head and the heart big time. My dear sweet Dumpster Husband sent me this article this morning that absolutely hit home as to what I was going through and and while I am on an upswing from now, it's still very relevant.
Not Just the Pregnancy Blues by Jessica Grose on Slate
I stopped all my meds in July 2011, the last one being Zoloft, as I was getting my body in prime baby baking shape. Now, that was hard to withdraw from, but I did it, and honestly, didn't have that much of a serious problem with anxiety or depression until I started the damn hormones and birth control pills they jacked me up on for In Vitro. It's a stronger dose than regular pills, and I had never been on the pill in my life, so this was all new to me.
I put myself through this, so I know it's my own fault. I've been on psych wards. NOT AS AN OBSERVER. You know what I'm saying? I am no stranger to mental health issues. I have a history here and I am aware of what healthy is for me and what it is not. I was not healthy going through IVF. I was fucked up. BUT, I also knew it would pass and hopefully the outcome would be worth it. Which, in our case, it absolutely is. But I feel I need to address it.
The pill made me fucking crazy. It made me seriously lethargic and depressed. As in, I didn't leave our apartment for about 3 months, unless it was going to work or something I absolutely had to do. And even then it was such a Herculean effort, that it took all my energy to just get my ass out of bed. I could barely go to the grocery store. I was miserable. It seems silly to say this about a pill that has done huge things for women through the years and I'm grateful for the pill but GOD DAMMIT, SCREW YOU PILL!
Even after I found out we were pregnant, we were just so nervous and I was in a funk about it. WHY? Because my chemical make up responded wackily to these drugs and to the hormones from then being pregnant.
Now that I'm in my 2nd trimester, the depression and lethargy have subsided. I see my friends and go out and do things. My friends that I kept saying, "NO NO NO NO NO" to everything they asked of me, I now say "yes" again and it feels good. I'm not encumbered by the hurt and the anxiousness I was engulfed in during those three months. When I'm smiling my big goofy ass smile, it's absolutely genuine and I'm not barking at people pretty much at all. All to say, I'm so god damned happy it's kind of sickening.
Anyone who says I am complaining when I should be the happiest woman in the world right now for being pregnant with twins, can kiss my white Irish arse. Everyone who reads my blog and knows me knows how OVER THE FUCKING MOON I AM. But this? This realization that I really got socked with something major and didn't even FULLY really realize it at the time, makes me think there have to be so many others out there who have gone through this, or are going through this as well.
The only reason I am able to write about this now with any kind of clarity is because I am climbing out of it. You see me smiling and laughing and that is doubly good because I am pregnant with miracle babies. Hope and Weird Science made these babies. This blog and writing and some very dear friends I've connected with through the internets and of course A.A. and my Dear Sweet Husband have helped me through this. Sometimes the most I could do was write. And I kept writing. And I kept being grateful. As miserable as I was, I was always grateful. That doesn't change. If it ever does change, we are in serious trouble. Everything else passes, gratitude just evolves. I'm so grateful I am not in that hole I was in even a few weeks ago. I also know I can go into a different hole as this pregnancy continues and even after I give birth. Being aware and able to talk about it is so very helpful.
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| The happy is back! For now. |
Embrace ALL the feelings. Not just the shiny happy ones. That is the only way we are truly healthy. I have to feel the bad to feel the good. Embrace and deal with ALL THE FEELINGS. And just because they aren't fact, doesn't mean we don't need to deal with them in some way. THIS TOO SHALL PASS.
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| KaBUMPo!!!!! |
I'm not offering advice. But I am saying that I'm here, supporting you, 200%. You've got this my frand.
ReplyDeleteEven as you are mid-stream in this new, exciting and sometimes scary stage you remain a helper. This is why I adore you so very much. While some would just get through it, be thankful and move on...you choose to bare your thoughts and emotions for the sake of helping others who feel utterly alone and downright nuts. You're doing great, lil' momma. I'm so proud of you!
ReplyDeleteI love this. I had postpartum depression with my first and it carried through when I got pregnant right away with my second. I felt aweful, like how can I be so sad when I have a baby and another on the way. You nailed it. I was very grateful, but sometimes you just can't help how you feel when chemicals are all out of wack!
ReplyDeleteYou rock the baby bump and heels, I love it!! :)
Thank you for putting it out there without sugar coating. Depression sucks-being off depression meds sucks even worse. And it's nothing to be ashamed of.
ReplyDeleteEmbrace ALL the feelings. Not just the shiny happy ones. That is the only way we are truly healthy. I have to feel the bad to feel the good. Embrace and deal with ALL THE FEELINGS. And just because they aren't fact, doesn't mean we don't need to deal with them in some way. THIS TOO SHALL PASS.
ReplyDeleteI am THIS close to crying, reading this right now. Not so many minutes ago at all, I sent Mack a letter with the following sentence:
Part of me thinks it's ridiculous that such a "small" thing should continue to hold such sway over me. Another part recognizes that feelings aren't creatures of logic, and that trying to force them to act as such is a perfect exercise in futility.
But even that was all thinkingthinkingthinking, whereas reading what you wrote? Kablammo. Hit me straight in the heart. Thank you.
Sending much, much love.
I love you mama! Glad you are feeling better. Let me know if you need anything. *hugs*
ReplyDeletePanda manda
It breaks my heart to read this...because I know EXACTLY what you're going through. With my last pregnancy, I was on birth control and he just decided he was coming. I was so worried about my meds (Cymbalta and Xanax) that I quit cold turkey (prooobably not the best course of action...but you know the kind of crazy shit we do to protect our babies). The withdrawals really weren't that bad, but when the depression and anxiety crept back in, it was a BITCH. I felt so alone. Pure hell. BUT (and this is the really great part), towards the end of my pregnancy, it was like all my hormones balanced themselves out and I was practically effing GIDDY!
ReplyDeleteHold tight girly...it doesn't last forever. And before you know it, you'll be able to start your meds back up and be right back on track! <3 ((hugs))
I love you. I love that DH sent you that article. I love your babies. I love your honesty. You talk about things that I never had the courage to face, let alone talk about. My last 2 pregnancies (resulting in my only surviving children) were high risk pregnancies due to my fertility history. As soon as I had an inkling I was pregnant, it was into the Dr. for a confirmation, then off the radiology for repeated ultrasounds until we were sure the eggs got where they needed to go and didn't get stuck in traffic on the way there. The waiting period was filled with fear. By the time we would be sure everything was attached and snuggled in, then came the LONG 12 weeks of cautious optimism. Will I be able to stay pregnant? Can I survive another miscarriage? "Luckily" I was one of those women that had morning sickness 24/7 for 37 of the 41 weeks I was pregnant. I figured as long as I was puking, I was still pregnant. I'm all about that silver lining.
ReplyDeleteNo one told me how bad postpartum depression could get. I had suffered from depression before, but this was different. I had someone that depended on me to stay alive. Unfortunately, I had NO support system other than my husband at the time. I had been out of the program for 4 years and had slowly been isolating from the world because of the unhealthy situation at home. It was bad.
I don't tell you this for any reason other than to say, "Good job. You got this!" You have a wonderful, loving DH (not that I needs to tell you that), a ton of people pulling for you, and a circle of very supportive friends. Above all of that, you have HOPE and COURAGE. Courage to say things other people can't say for themselves, and the hope that everything will turn out as it should.
IT sucks to have anxiety/depression or anything to begin with. Add IVF to the mix and it's just plain crazy..seriously. We're five years out from IVF,with our miracle baby. And the intensity, anxiety, nervousness, and emotional roller coaster of IVF and the hormones still make me a little crazy. and that's ok...I was lucky, and as you said< Hope and Science made it possible, BUT, those emotions are there and they deserve recognition when it's necessary..nothin wrong with that..they deserve as much attention as the excitement, thankfulness, happiness and all the "good" emotions that come with it. I feel as though just because it worked for ME (You), doesn't mean I have to be infinitely happy, and act as though everything is perfect..
ReplyDeleteTalk to me, gurl...........
ReplyDeleteI can't relate to the pills and pregnancy stuff, but the hormonal hell of going through peri-menopause, my periods, which defined me as a woman, no longer there to define me, well it does a number on a female brain.
And gratitude.... ah gratitude.... that "pill" that's always there, if I remember to 'take it'. Thank you and another blogger today, for reminding me to remind myself.
Dealing with a progressive disease and losing all that I thought was going to be my life, or what I wanted... and doing it ALONE, I know the importance of finding joy in moments. I understand that no matter what we're going through, whether it be medically induced 'insanity' or just the J-O-Y of being a woman getting older, or the speed bumps that suddenly appear while you're skipping along, if we don't honor those times as well as the good, we're screwed. Or at the very least, we're not being honest.
Honor the chit as well as the happiness. Thanks for the share. It put my head on a wee bit straighter today, dear friend. xoxoxO!!!
Oh my gosh, I love you. I had a horrid case of PPD after one of mine, and it is a deep dark place. I get it. I do.
ReplyDeleteI TOTALLY understand what you said about making it through a terrible time and not even realizing the magnitude of how upset you were until after the fact...hormones and stress and the unknown are a trio of nasty bitches, but you got through it and you are marvelous! love you and hall and oates
ReplyDeleteBaby cakes - like you said, this too shall pass. NO advice, at all - just sympathizing as I had the before, during & after depressive bs - I cried in the shower like a mental patient. It was stupid, I was stupid - One day I was happy smiling looking at the pretty pretty colors - the next day I cried. It passed - just like you said. :) Keep on rockin' your cutie patootie self!
ReplyDeleteI have dealt with mental health issues my whole life. I finally figured out that a lot of mine was hormonal, or at least that hormones made it worse. I got on Depo at 17 and it changed my life (until I had to go off of it, but that's a whole other story and I learned how to deal in other ways). I think it's wonderful that you talk about it. That's what is needed to help erase the stigma and shame surrounding it. (and coincidentally, I blogged about MH today too...which I guess isn't too weird, considering it's a big platform of mine). More people need to just come out in the open and say "Hey, I have this thing going on." They'll realize they are far from alone. As a fellow "not an observer" (love that, BTW) I hope that sharing my stories helps at least one person. And it's a continuing journey, one that I'm glad to be reading your experiences with. It helps further that path of health.
ReplyDelete(Total side note: I've been following you for about a month now and my 6 y/o daughter will sometimes sit beside me and look at stuff I'm doing on the net. We've been affectionately calling my 6 month old son "our little dumpster baby" since pretty much the day he came home and showed us his "demanding" side. Yesterday, during a particularly awful display of will from him, my daughter turns to me and says "UGH! He's being SOOO naughty and SOO loud! That lady on your computer wants a dumpster baby, can we give him to her???" She was less than thrilled when I told her no.)
There's too many of us. I'm glad there's support but I'm heartbroken that so many other women feel THE SAME WAY. I won't lose hope, EVER.
ReplyDeleteYou're doing great! And it's refreshing and honest. It makes another step easier for other women who are trying to hide it or feel they can't talk about it. Good for you!!
ReplyDeleteYou are AWESOME.
ReplyDeleteReading this evoked feelings like the ones I get after hearing someone I slightly know lead at a meeting. Thanks for baring your soul, the feeling I like so much is the realization that I was unaware of how much I love you!!!
ReplyDeleteYou're in my prayers,
and hugs,
Ernie
I love you Katy for being so brave, for being so honest, for being in my world. I was so busy trying to keep "my head above water" lately, that sometimes it was you I turned to for something positive, something real and it comforted me to know we were watching the queen's life documentary and Napoleon Dynamite at the same time. I just didn't know it was for the same reason: that flippin lethargy. I'm on the upswing too, thanks in part to you, some new therapy, and you leading me to other women bloggers that show me that we are all connected, we women. We are all connected. Thank you for your audacious humor which causes a giggle to wiggle out every time.
ReplyDeleteI was so depressed/awful with my first (very much wanted) pregnancy I almost got fired. I couldn't stop crying and completely lost my sense of humor. I stayed on the prozac for the 2nd (he's fine, btw).
ReplyDeleteBut: the good news is I had postpartum elation! As soon as that damn placenta was out of me, happy days were here again! No matter how little sleep I got, I could deal because those evil hormones were gone.
Here's wishing you elation!!
THANK YOU. As someone who suffered 2 miscarriages and has anxiety issues, I felt terrible that I wasn't ecstatically happy all of the time when I was pregnant with my oldest. I was afraid almost through the entire pregnancy, and combine that with anxiety (and no meds!) = one mama-to-be just trying to make it through the days. I have always felt guilty about not being a happy preggo. I really appreciate your honesty.
ReplyDeleteI am currently just climbing out of the black hole known as prenatal depression. It has literally felt like it's killing me from the inside out at a point in my life I should be over the moon. You have no idea how much I appreciate to hear I am not the only one. It's a hard thing to admit when everyone around you expects you to be over the moon happy. I'm so very grateful I am getting the chance at another baby as I have been told for over 5 years I would never get to experience it again, but that doesn't change the fact these hormones are kicking my ass. The further into the second trimester I get the better it is getting but it's rough going. Glad you are feeling better and again . . . Thank you for sharing!
ReplyDeleteThanks, once again, for talking about the shit we all go through but don't talk about. I love your crazy ass <3
ReplyDeleteLove this post. I had prenatal depression with my second son...only I didn't know I had it and everything you said here made a light bulb go on.
ReplyDeleteSo happy you're making your way back. No one should ever doubt you for a second how happy you are for these miracle babies. MAKING these babies, whether done through science or nature is hard work! You keep smilin', mama... YOU ARE AWESOME. And you are TOTALLY rockin' the babies bump! :)
I knew the movie Weird Science had something to do with your pregnancy. I love Anthony Michael Hall too. xoxo-Klift
ReplyDeleteYou are teaching me to be okay with the sadz and the happyz. When I'm sad, I feel bad for being sad. When I'm happy, I feel guilty for all the good things I have. WTF? I know. When I was 3 months postpartum, I was miserable. The baby weight hadn't come off like I wanted and I didn't feel like myself at all. I didn't see myself as soft and squishy and tired all the time as a new mom. I thought I would be more efficient, get more done. Anyway... so I'm getting better with knowing that I'm good enough. Always remember YOU are good enough too.
ReplyDeleteHey Crazy sister from another Mister,
ReplyDeleteI have done time in psych wards and years in therapy. Tried every drug the wise men offered. Tried to have a baby and lost eight to stillbirths. I had an incompetent cervix. Several surgeries later they said to go for it - in the meantime I was up and down going off meds in preparation for conception. Didn't happen. I wanted one of the babies so many seemed to dump. That is what got me to your page. I wanted a dumpster baby!! I told everyone. I ended up trying Clomid and turned into a bitch but it worked. I got pregnant and ended up on bed rest for the last four months. Doing leg exercises freaking I was going to get a clot. I delivered a premature little boy that weighed in at 4.5 pounds. My postpartum depression was worse than what I expected but found a great group of women and weathered that storm. My son is going to be 18 in a few weeks. Would I do it all again? In a second! Love your page and your elevator dancing. Prayers heading your way from Canada. I was back on meds as soon as I finished nursing - or rather pumping. More fun to come!
Trust me. I know. In a much different way...I know. On our end...you did a great job hiding the sad. And I so understand that. I am so happy you are getting to a place of enjoyment of your miracle. Hormones suck as it is. And when there's a history of imbalance, it seems so much worse. I am so happy for you. So many of us are. I just want to hug you so much right now!! And I am so excited that you have the beautiful support of your babies' daddy, too. My hubby still deals with a whole lot with me, too. In a much different way...but I know. I am so proud of you & you know I am here for you all of the way. love & Love & LOVE & stuff! *MUWAHS* Glad you have a place to let others know what you are going thru, too. You are also helping others as well as yourself. That, my friend, is amazing. You, my friend, are amazing. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteI"ve learned that people relate to you most when you tell them what's REALLY going on. Nobody's perfect. We all have our shit. It is refreshing to see someone own up to that.
ReplyDeleteone of the hardest lessons for me to learn is to know that for me depression is a physical reaction to a chemical, mental, emotional whatever the fuck... AND NOT a reaction or result of life... I recall after the birth of my second, when I should have been happy, ecstatic, and all that jazz... here we were with a happy, healthy baby born term, 19 weeks I spent on bed rest behind me... and there I was curled up in a ball, on the bath room floor, filled with such ick I thought I was going to die. I still should all over myself from time to time... I am better.
ReplyDeleteI am very grateful for the tools to combat it, support and The Sailor...
Love this post. So happy to hear you're on your way up! I was there too when I was pregnant with my 2nd. I think "antepartum depression" is the technical term for it--or at least that's why my OB told me. I also felt like I was crazy, but then felt much better when I found out that it was a REAL thing!
ReplyDeleteAlso, re: the pill, yes, some suck big time, but others can be lifesavers if you find one that works well for your mood. After both my kids were born, my cycles literally left me miserable for 3/4 weeks a month (stuck on the couch as you describe). My OB put me back on the pill to help combat these issues--I was worried b/c previous experiences had been similar to what you described. I had to do some trial and error testing b/c the first pill I tried literally got me stuck in the worst part of my cycle mood-wise. The 2nd one I tried has me leveled out in a much better place. So not all bad. (Oh, and this was after my therapist wanted to see if I was bipolar!)
The pill always made me crazy too. And extremely fat. I also have Bi-polar... So I know where you're coming from. It's ok to have depression and other bad feelings, it doesn't mean you don't love your kids. Whoever says that is just ignorant and rude!
ReplyDeleteJust curious, but of you've had serious mental health issues are you concerned about passing the same diagnosis on to your children? Or that you might go back to insane mode and end up hospitalized when you have kids who need their mother?
ReplyDeleteYou are amazing.
ReplyDeleteThank you for this. I am 9 months pregnant, going through the same thing and it made me feel better knowing I am not alone. Bless you and your baby.
ReplyDeleteKaty, it goes without saying how much I adore you. Your honesty about the dark periods of your life ALWAYS amazes me. Strong people like you are so rare, but I think it's the fact that you share your struggles with so much raw emotion, grace, honesty and your funny girl side that endears you to so many. The fact you can say to people struggling... I was fucked up ya'all, but I overcame these bad things and all of you can too... and even if you stumble I'm gonna smile my goofy grin and love you harder, because this love shit works and I won't abandon anyone who needs help.
ReplyDeleteYou've inspired so many with your success with alcoholism and now you're putting forth the details of your struggles with depression in regards to your IVF treatments. You've opened another window into the type of woman you are and I think you're opening a much larger door for women in your shoes... sharing a painful and personal story to let other women know... I've been there. I know the pain. You can beat it.
Never stop with your optimism and love for all. We all love you for it and because you've infected us with your Dumpster love... know this... that Dumpster love is always gonna come back full circle to you.
Munch
I had postpartum depression after having both of my kids. It wasn't serious, but lasted 2-3 weeks with both. It TOTALLY sucked. At a time when it should have been the happiest time in my life, it wasn't. I finally had a baby (and later a 2nd one) and I wasn't happy. I was aware of what was going on from lots of reading about it thank goodness. I felt like I was going crazy. I guess after my body's hormones calmed down after a few weeks, things went back to normal and I could be happy. Those few weeks were so lonely and depressing, but in the back of my mind I knew it was temporary. I know that dark place and am so glad you are out of it!
ReplyDeleteI had postpartum depression after the birth of both of my kids. At a time when it should have been the happiest time in my life, it wasn't. It TOTALLY sucked. I felt like I had to hide it from my husband and others so they wouldn't think I was nuts. It was a very lonely and depressing place to be. I wanted to be happy, but absolutely couldn't. I did know about this depression, so I knew it was temporary. Luckily, after my hormone crazy body calmed down after a couple of weeks, I slowly returned to normal. I feel for you. Thinking about it makes me so sad. Glad it's over and I hope it doesn't come back after you have them. (((Hugs)))
ReplyDeleteBtw, I found myself talking to someone about getting pregnant and in-vitro the other day. I started to say, "My friend Katy just went through this and it worked. " Then I thought, how do I explain how I know you??? Over the internet? Didn't end of saying it, but wanted you to know that I feel like I know you. You share such personal parts of your life with me and all of your other friends through the internet. You are amazing! Thank you.
ReplyDeleteI always thought that without the lows, I wouldn't feel the happies so much. The lows are so tough, but when I finally come out, the sky is sooo blue.
ReplyDelete♥♥ own your emotions, so they don't own you. you rock ♥♥
ReplyDeleteYou are with out a doubt fanfuckingtastic!
ReplyDeleteSo glad that you are getting these wonderful blessings and I'm glad your emotions are getting back on track hoping you have a wonderful rest of your pregnancy I have two wonderful girls Emily 5 and Macy 2
ReplyDeleteI went through the same thing with the hormones while preparing for IVF. I cried so hard at work about a sandwich, that I seriously wondered if I was going to be able to stop. And I teach 4th grade. Trust me, I am sure their parents heard some stories that night. The thought of that sandwich and the confusing rush of emotions of that time still get me in a sore spot. Eventually I ended up with twin boys and wouldn't change any of it, but I totally understand what you are going through. I am cheering you on from NC. :)
ReplyDeleteI had ppd actually anticipated when my hubs(at the time) would be home to tend to the baby so she wouldn't be alone when I slit my wrists. He ttalked me into goin to c my doc, put on meds found out I was preggs again when my lil girl was 5 mths old. I over came it, went thru mental abuse, and addict for a hub and finally got the courage to leave. Worked thru the pain and hurt 16hr shifts for mths. Moved on and up only to be Dx with bipolar. Been on all kinds of anti anxiety meds and so forth never thought I had this. It hurts to admit. I haven't even told half my family. My bf has been so supportive but if I miss a dose I go batshit and I hate it. Your blog is inspirational. Its nice to know I'm not the only one struggling and its not fun to keep it a secret :( most ppl just don't understand, they poke fun it hurts. Best of luck you deserve happiness :)
ReplyDeleteWhat a powerful story, you are so brave to share it with every one. You deserve happiness. You look beautiful!
ReplyDeleteYou are the bestest!! Hall & Oates are going to have the *greatest* Mommy ever! Xoxo
ReplyDeleteKaty! You are so awesome to share and educate people! I know how hard this was to share and admit, but you are helping others of us see we are "normal". You are lucky to have access to great medical care too. I had great pregnancies and never felt better than I did in my entire life -- like all my hormones were magically aligned. Except for the first 13 weeks when I was a raging psychopath from the progesterone suppositories I needed to take to stay pregnant. I had PPD with my first for about 6 weeks. I had a baby boy two years later and my PPD never went away. I pretended I was okay for FIVE years until it was all too much and broke down at his five year check up. We had been trying for #3 and it wasn't going well and I knew that I would never go off antidepressents if I was pregnant or nursing. Needless to say I never had #3 and that is okay. I have been battling that fucking black cloud since the fall and the doc and I realized that the pharmacy changed their suppliers and it the generic is NOT equivelent! Needless to say I will be switching my meds because they were $529 for 3 months! With Insurance for the brand name!
ReplyDeleteLife is too short to be miserable! Happy Mama = Happy Babies & daddy too.
You rock baby and I will always adore you!
XOXOXOXOXO
Monica VB
How strong you are! I'm so glad to be reading about your story, I kind of feel like I'm a part of history, just knowing you. BTW, DAMN you look good, girl. Pregnancy looks great on you. You keep getting cuter and cuter. HUGS!!!! I <3 the heels.
ReplyDeleteI love that you say to "embrace ALL the feelings." I agree so much and although I don't struggle with depression I do have occasional bouts of anxiety mainly due to self-esteem/self-doubt issues. And everyone looks at me and thinks I'm so confident and care-free. I've recently let go of this pretense and it's made a huge difference in my life. I feel like I'm finally starting to be who I really am.
ReplyDeleteKeep living truth, girl, you ARE rocking it!
you're so beautiful! So glad you've got your happy back :)
ReplyDelete"Embrace ALL the feelings!" needs to be a meme now :-)
ReplyDelete*hugs*
I love you and all your feelings.
Lots of love to you and that gloriously beautiful belly full of miracle babies. xoxo
ReplyDeleteBeen there. Done that.
ReplyDelete(But not with one tiny fraction of the grace and insight that you're doing ALL OF IT! It is as if I am the Bizarro version of you who went through everything first so that you could learn to do the opposite of everything I did. And of course, as the Bizarro version, I am deformed in comparison. I'm all hips and ass while you're all bewbs and beauty. Weird. Does this mean I have to start formulating evil plans to take over the cyber world and smite you? Cause I'm not gonna. I know who deserves to reign and I am your loyal subject.)
Seriously, you've helped thousands of women (and men) with this post. Once again, you've discussed an uncomfortable topic with humor and elegant perception. I thank you most sincerely. I love you, Your Highness.
Thank you Katy. I'm not pregnant nor have I ever been, but I do struggle w/ depression. I'm in a dark place now. Thank you for reminding me that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. That it does get better. I'm just hoping I can be as strong as were/are.
ReplyDeleteIt's been way too long since I've swung by your blog and I'm sorry about that--especially since you've been struggling. I too struggled a great deal with major depression while I was pregnant, and when I tried to tell my OB, she snapped at me, "You're the one who wanted this (three children in less than three years)." So I just shoved it back inside, you know?
ReplyDeleteAlso, I wasn't on meds. So it was tough. I don't have advice or anything like that to offer. But I think the best of you and I'm rooting for you and I think it's all going to be okay, you know? xoxo
Great blog post! I didn't go through IVF, but several years ago, before pregnancy, I was on bc patch . . . and every cycle, the first several days of the patch the hormones were so strong that I just wanted to dig a hole under a tree (this is what was in my mind) and die. Immediately. It was horrible. After my first pregnancy, I told my OBGYN about this, and she told me to never, ever go on the patch again, and be careful with other BC (pills, etc). I have a history of anxiety more than depression, so that reaction was really new for me. And then each and every pregnancy has been roller coaster. My third one was successful - in that I actually brought home a healthy baby. I am currently off of fluoxetine (successfully helps my anxiety) in attempts to try for a fourth pregnancy (and hopefully second healthy baby - our first might have been affected in early development by the small amount of fluoextine I was told was "probably safe" to be on during conception. Never again.)
ReplyDeleteYou look so damn pregnant-hot! I'm glad the happy is back, and wow do I know what that struggle with depression is like. You're doing great.
ReplyDelete