And, BREATHE

Good Lawdy Loo, things are getting a bit tight around here.  Not just in my ever increasing belly with two spazz dancers in there, but in life.  Every day it seems the pressure increases.

At work, there are approximately 8,385 things I need to get done. Today. This minute.  I feel like I'm losing my shit several times a day lately.  Juggling an incredibly demanding job and also every few moments - oh here it comes again -  OH MY GODS I HAVE TWO BABIES IN MY BELLY AND THEY JUST KEEP GROWING AND THEY ARE GOING TO BE HERE IN LIKE, 5 MINUTES AND WE AREN'T READY AT ALL AND OH MY GODS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Yes I scream in my head like that. 

I feel like I'm losing it a bit lately.  And yes, I have folks in my life that keep me in check, mainly my dear sweet dumpster husband, who I could not handle any of this without right now, but also, FRIENDS.  Sponsees and other friends who are such a gift to me they really have absolutely no idea how much I value them.  I wish I could make them see.  I wish I could impart that this two sided thing we do in working a program, working an equal sided friendship, helps both of us, every day.  ALL THE TIME. 

Here's part of an email exchange with a very close friend and woman I sort of sponsor in the program and I last night (name left out obviously).  There is a point to this, hang with me here:

Her: "please, do not be grateful for me. I am tired and worn and feel finished. Not really, but, yes. Ya know?  I cannot tell you how you inspire me each day to remain optimistic and alive.
thank you.  so. motherfucking. much.  I love you..."

Katy: "I love you. So motherfucking much. So grateful for you. I am. Can't stop me. Yes I know what you mean about being done. But we keep going. I want to cry and scream a lot lately. Out of control. But I just breathe, meditate, walk, pray how I do, gratitude list, meetings, all the shit we do. We keep going.

Her: "See. It's this shit that just made me set my alarm and promise I'd do what I said I'd do. Fuck! Sometimes I don't like you. But never really. And then, yes, I recall it all. So, this shit gets done...I cannot even grasp what you face each day, babe. I mean that.  This is fucking rough...from start to end. Yes, of course it's worth every single tough second.  It's. still. Tough.  It's fucking IRONMAN tough. You've got balls like nobody I've known. Shit, talk about grateful. It's I for you, yep, me, for you...Thank you."

Katy: "That. Is why I'm so grateful for you. We love each other. Hard. We are both Ironman tough. Thank you for everything. I love it when you say you don't like me."

Her: "Haha. It's when you wouldn't think so..."

Katy "I know. You are one of a kind."

Her: "It's your constant introspect that I respect/love/hate. It's every bad thing I had done by 8 am."

Katy: "You are great right where you are. I promise. And we get better every day if we want. And WE WANT!"

I have a few reasons for sharing this tidbit of goodness:

1. A few years ago I would NEVER have had a girlfriend.  Let alone Sponsees or women in the program who trust me enough to share this fundamental stuff with me.  And no way would I share all this shit with them.  I wasn't worthy of friendship or trust.  I couldn't give and I couldn't receive.
2. I hated my sponsor when I first started working with her 10 some years ago. HATED HER.  And yet, she was everything I wanted to be.  Make sense?  Confident, smart, funny, grateful, solid.  And  yet still able to admit faults and weaknesses and not having all the answers.  Am I becoming like my sponsor who I admire so much?  Gods, I hope so.   
3. I have amazing people in my life today.  I didn't ask for them, but somehow they found me.  And I cannot express how grateful I am for them. 
4. The gift of being able to write like this.  That's all.  It is a gift to me that it just comes out.  I can't even help it any more.

The reality is, I am doing just fine.  I am more healthy than I have a right to be and am doing the right things.  I am feeling so many things right now that I never ever thought I would be lucky enough to feel.  I am feeling babies moving around.  I am feeling loved and taken care of.  I am letting people take care of me and not trying to be Super Woman all the damn time.  I am admitting weakness and when I need help.  This is a new type of thing for me.  Both at work and in life, I am asking for help.  In different ways than I am used to.  We always talk about if you aren't moving forward you are moving backwards, right?

Well, my take is perfection is boring.  Having your shit together all the time is overrated.  The crazed lady with the bugged out eyeballs and belly growing with each huge laugh is way more fun.  And the one who is constantly craving a smoke, but doesn't do it? Yeah.  She's the one I want to hang out with.  She is sure to be fun.