The Tale of The Formerly Smart Girl who is Now the Stupidest Girl that Ever Lived

Once upon a time, there was a stupid stupid girl.  This girl had not always been so stupid.  However, this girl happened to be about 34 weeks pregnant with her twins who were literally sucking every resource out of her and leaving her with nothing to function on but her looks and her humor.   Both of which are quickly fading as well. 

Back to our girl.  She worked at home one day and was expecting an arrival of a very special maternity belt to keep her big huge belly bag full o' babies hiked up and her back from caving in completely.  IT ARRIVED!  The package arrived and the girl ran down the apartment building stairs so quickly in anticipation and bent down to pick up the package, and KABLAMMO the door slammed behind her.  

Trapped in her building's 5 by 5 vestibule IN HER PAJAMAS and day old make up and unbrushed teeth and basically looking homeless, and I know homeless, but also hugely pregnant and it was getting dark.  NO PHONE, NO KEYS, NO WATCH.  NOTHING. 

Here's the kicker.  The stupid girl's husband had just told her on the phone upstairs that he was leaving work early and that meant a 45 minute train ride and he would be home to save her!  So, she listened to many many train signals pass, thinking, he's got to be on this train.  He's got to! 

Nope.  Nothing.  And none of her neighbors came home either.  Even if she could get to a phone, stupid girl is so stupid that she has no phone numbers memorized.  They are all programmed into her cell phone, right?  RIGHT?  Who memorizes phone numbers any more?  She found out later that her husband could not leave work early and he wasn't expected home until the normal time.

So, she hunkered down on the cold floor and put her arms in her tshirt and rubbed her belly saying, "this is all going  to be fine, let's just meditate for a while."  And it must have worked because all of a sudden her charming neighbor and 1 year old son arrived home.  The stupid girl sobbed and sobbed and hugged her neighbor for way too long and made everybody really uncomfortable and then ran upstairs to find many many messages on her cell phone from people worried about her.

It turns out she had been trapped in that vestibule for about 4 HOURS.  Standing and sitting and pacing and swearing and crying and laughing and yelling to her cat that she could hear meowyelling upstairs.  Pretty much the encapsulating of her longago time in the loony bin.  Except our girl is not loony, she's just pregnant with twins. 

The girl was supposed to have a pre-natal massage that she missed and called that woman and cried apologetically. The girl's sister in law (who gifted the girl the massage) thought the girl had been in an accident. Nope, sorry. Just pregnant stupid.

The girl was so angry at herself, still kind of is, but the bright side is, she had 4 hours uninterrupted of thought without phones or electronics or anyone tugging at her sleeve.  THAT NEVER HAPPENS.  It turns out the girl must have gone into a meditative state where she didn't even realize how long she was down there, and the most amazing, miraculous thing happened!  SHE DIDN'T HAVE TO PEE FOR FOUR WHOLE HOURS!

She wasn't frantically keeping up with emails or phone calls for work, not checking Facebook or Twitter or Pinterest for the 85th time in an hour.  She was simply being.  Now, this girl has paid to go on retreats where this happens.  Turns out she didn't need to pay anybody to get the meditative time she craved, she simply had to use her powers of pregnant stupidity to get locked out for four hours wearing pajamas and then, just be. 

I don't have a picture of the awesomeness of the stupid girl that happened yesterday, but I do have this, which is today -  

PUT A BIRD ON IT.

She's all cleaned up with BELLY BAND ON ( no she won't show you a picture of that nonsense), heels and and head held high.  The Tale of The Formerly Smart Girl who is Now the Stupidest Girl that Ever Lived shall be told for generations to come as in, "you think you were stupid when you were pregnant, get a load a this broad!" And you know what? That is just fine with her.  She actually turned it into something positive and NOTHING can beat the feeling that she's giving all that she has to creating these two babes right now.  No matter how humiliating. 

If only we knew who this girl was in real life, we could really all point and laugh at her, right?  Just remember.  Please be kind to her if you see her.  She's fragile.  And she's usually kind to you. 

THE END.